I set myself a challenge… to first write a letter to myself explaining how I feel about me. Then I had to read that first letter from an outside point of view and write a response. The second part was really hard to do… I really had to pretend that somebody else had written the first piece- saying nice things about myself is of course, an alien concept to me…

Dear me,
From inside I see you as a pathetic, selfish, horrible person. I hate you… with more venom than I ever thought it possible to hate with. You  have become so consumed within the eating disorder and self hatred… you cause other people pain and even that is not enough to make you change.
You take and take and take from people, but when do you ever give? You're a walking contradiction- let people close but then push them away…
Nothing you ever do is good enough- you strive for perfection and never even get remotely close. Even your 'best' is never good enough Cait- NEVER good enough.
You're so weak… can't even get control in your own life….

You can't even pretend to be happy anymore- not even for other people's benefit. You can't even hide your unhappiness so as not to bother other people. How selfish and pathetic is that?

Everything about you is screwed up- physically a mess, emotionally a mess- in fact, Cait is just one big mess. You don't deserve to ask for help. You don't deserve to express the hurt and pain that's inside. You know why? It's because you deserve to hurt like you have hurt other people.

Cait… I can't even put into words how much I hate you- how much I hate every single thing about you- everything you are, everything you say, everything you do. It's all wrong, bad, not good enough. It's all worthless, pathetic, screwed up. You should just hide away from the world. Stop bothering people. Stop being one more problem that everyone can do without- in fact, just stop being.

Dear Cait,
Oh sweetheart… you see yourself through such a gauze of hatred. You are a beautiful, warm, special person who deserves love, not hate. Where does all this venom come from? How on earth did you ever come to hate yourself so much?

Sweetie, look around you. You have friends and family who all care about you and love you. They don't have to care. They don't have to keep coming back, and they wouldn't if you weren't worth it. It only hurts people to see you destroying yourself like this because they care about you. If they didn't care then it wouldn't hurt them. And you can't tell people how to feel- ever thought that maybe it's you who sees yourself all wrong, and not everyone else?

What is perfection honey? Not only is perfection subjective, but it's also unattainable- especially not your standards. Don't set yourself an impossible goal. Don't set yourself up to fail. Your best is plenty good enough hon… you know what? You don't need to try and make everyone proud of you because they already are. You are loved for who you are inside- not for a scrap of paper with a few letters on it.

You say you're not in control. But what is control? If you mean the eating disorder then you know by now that it controls you. Control would be a life without the ed, a life without the fear of food and self hatred. You've got so much more control than you think you have- in healthy areas of your life- ones that don't involve hurt and self destruction.
You are so strong sweetie. You've come so far- if you were weak it would have destroyed you by now but it hasn't- because you have so much strength inside that you aren't even aware is there.

You are sick and you deserve help. Don't pretend- don't even try… even if seeing you in pain hurts those who care about you, they would still rather know the truth. And that's because they love you sugar. If you push people away and they bounce back… doesn't that tell you something? Doesn't that show you how much you are loved and how special you are?

You are more than an eating disorder… even if that is hard to believe sometimes… And Cait is so important to so many people. Her not being at all would hurt them more than helping you through this pain. It's ok to take sometimes… you need help, and there are people willing to give it if you accept it.

Sweetheart- take off the darkened glasses and look at Cait for what she really is. Because she is a unique, special, beautiful, intelligent, loving person. Now you just need to believe it sugar. xxx