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Urm… I have been putting off sitting down and writing any sort of an update, thinking instead that I would wait until I had picked myself up again. But, months later I am still struggling very much, and I suppose slips and even relapses are part of the recovery process, so here I am. Plus, I feel somewhat hypocritical when I get emails saying how well I am doing, when at the moment I'm doing anything but. Though, everything I said in the last update was from the heart then--and I pray that somehow I can get back there.
I went back to college last September after my gap year, during which time things had improved… they weren't perfect, but then, you can't expect to undo years worth of self destruction in a few months. And then I started to slip back into old habits--went through a substantial period of restriction, followed by a period of excessive bingeing and purging--triggered by depression which gradually came back in full force. It has been suggested by many a person that college was at least partly to blame for this slip (or maybe at this point I should say relapse).
After taking a serious overdose and spending a few days in hospital due to this, I'm at a point of desperation with how I'm feeling. The night of the overdose has to be one of the most horrific nights of my life… I was very ill, and very scared. I won't go into enormous detail about the overdose, mainly because I'm still struggling to deal with what happened myself… sounds bizarre, but although it was 'self inflicted' it's still something I look back on and don't know how to react to. Maybe it would have helped if emotionally I had moved on at all… but I'm still stuck here at the bottom of this very deep, black hole… still feel like I'd rather not be here, and engaging in 'destructive' behaviours such as restricting, purging, drinking and cutting because I don't know how else to deal with this.
I have my A-level exams coming up and I'm just trying to concentrate on getting through them in one piece and then will see where I go from there.
I'm sorry this wasn't more positive… and I still stand by what I have said about recovery from an eating disorder being possible--it's just hard to fight that when I'm consumed with a depression that I really don't seem able to fight.
-Cait
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