I'm 17 years old and live (in the UK) at home with both of my parents and my younger sister and brother.
To be honest I couldn't say when my problems with food started, and I honestly do not know why they did… I would say that I had a fairly healthy attitude towards food (maybe some will disagree!) until I started middle school (about 9 yeas old). However, I was always a perfectionist who would push herself to the limit. I always wanted to be better than I was.
At middle school I began to become very weight conscious… I don't remember anything triggering it- one day I decided to give up chocolate and crisps and be 'healthy'. At this point it never got serious though- I'd give it up for a while, eat it, give it up etc. However, I do remember the feelings of failure when I couldn't stick to this 'diet' I had created for myself…

During year 8 (the last year at middle school- aged 12) I was bullied by some people who I had considered to be good friends of mine. This bullying occurred during the same year as my brother's liver transplant- an event that I think affected me more than I have ever actually admitted. I was terrified that he was going to die… and it also made me worry a lot more about my own health. My brother and I both have Alpha-1 Anti-Trypsin Deficiency, which is an enzyme deficiency that can affect your liver and lungs. My brother was born with liver disease- but not a lot is known about Alpha-1 Anti-Trypsin Deficiency and I guess I got scared that I'd get sick too… I have the occasional blood tests at King's College hospital in London, and have been advised not to drink or smoke (advice which I have finally taken notice of, after a couple of rather rough and irresponsible years.)

I am now in therapy (have been for 2 years on and off) and have decided that the bullying was a major factor in my lack of self-confidence and striving for perfection. I convinced myself that the only way I could ever be accepted was to be perfect- perfection which I obviously can not achieve, but this doesn't seem to change my theory. So… I punish myself for continuing to be a hateful person… because I must have been hateful for them to treat me like that right? There are other triggers which I think also triggered the onset of my disorder but I won't bore you with all the details!

I have really been to the depths of despair in the last few years… I have been (and still am) full of self-hate… self-destructive… ready to explode at any minute. I started with anorexia, until my parents took me to the doctor and I had no choice over eating. I then became bulimic. Since then my eating disorder has been EDNOS- periods of restriction, bingeing, purging, even periods of better eating…
I also had problems with binge drinking for a year and a half and I gave alcohol up completely on May 5th this year…
I have during the last few years taken a few small overdoses… hopefully not enough to have done me any damage… I did want to die… many times I have hit rock bottom and thought that I'd never pick myself up again. But I have- I want to emphasise that- I still go there- I still hit that bottom where I see no way out except death- don't get me wrong… but it does pass- it does get easier to deal with. Dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem- you can change life… always cling on to that belief.

Last year my eating disorder improved considerably over my GCSE's… I guess my dreams for the future have always kept me going through times like this… I knew that I needed to at least eat enough to function during these short periods… and I could always hold on to the fact that I could restrict again when they were over. However, after the GCSE exams were over things still stayed considerably better than before… until I went back into the sixth form. I don't like change… this combined with the pressure of doing 4 AS levels in the new system that the government implemented for us to be the guinea pigs for, sent me back over the edge. School has always been a big trigger for me since the bullying… I feel like I need people to constantly reassure me… tell me it's ok, I'm ok… I'm good enough, I'm not hateful, I'm not a failure etc. I know this is unrealistic… but I get so paranoid and insecure. Hatred is a strong word- but nothing better describes my feelings towards myself than that. I can honestly say that I hate nobody else- dislike maybe, but not hate… nobody except myself.

For the last 9 months my eating disorder has been combined with fairly bad depression and self-harm. I am taking meds at present for my depression- I have tried Prozac (Fluoxetine), Zispin (Mirtazapine), Efexor (Venlafaxine), and currently Seroxat (Paroxetine), but haven't yet found one that works. I also suffer from quite severe insomnia- I tried sleeping tablets but they didn't work!!

At the moment I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster… I somehow get through school days without breaking down in tears- come home and often binge/purge. My mind is in turmoil- sometimes I want to fight for recovery, and sometimes I want to continue sinking further into my ed… my protective shell… my control… or perceived control at least.

My life has become engulfed within the ed. Nothing else is important… nothing else takes up as much of my thinking time as this. What I've eaten, the calories, what I'm allowed to eat, whether to purge, thoughts of self-hatred, paranoia, fear, and desperation for an end- any end as long as it is an end to these feelings.
I am not healthy and I know it… it's a case of, sometimes it would be novel to walk across a room without a head-rush, or be able to get through a day at school without having to come home and flake out for a while… My diet consists of my 'safe foods'… the number of calories allowed counted out meticulously… any other foods are just 'scary'. And I know that I've basically bought it on myself- I mean, I didn't choose to come down this road, but now I'm here it's so hard to want to or to be able to turn it around.

However, in the last 6 months I have come a long way in 'thoughts'- as in, I understand myself and my actions more. This doesn't make it any easier to change, but it does make me think twice sometimes. Although, I have said that I want to be ignorant again… want to believe that being thin will make everything perfect…it's less emotionally draining than dealing with the stuff 'underneath'.
But then- I have lost a great deal of weight- at my worst I lost 21% of my body weight and had a BMI that I could have been sectioned with, had anyone known my weight at the time… and you know what? It didn't make things any better… I had the temporary 'buzz' that comes from restricting, but ultimately I just felt worse. I didn't bank on the dizziness, collapsing, nausea, hair loss, headaches, insomnia and more… all I wanted to do was lose a bit of weight… make everything perfect- ha, what a joke. And even though I would never have admitted it at the time, I can now accept that restriction does just make things worse- yes it numbs everything a bit, but the pain is still there just as bad, and at the same time you have all of the effects of restricting to deal with. (Not that knowing that makes it any easier to stop…)

I feel fat. Fat isn't a feeling… so perhaps I feel scared, hurt, desperate, lost, confused, disillusioned, depressed, depressing, hateful… I could go on. But I also feel fat… so damn fat. And there's still the voice saying that things will be better if I just lose x lbs…

The 'perfect life' promised by the ed never came- the periods of severe restriction, making myself ill, cycles of bingeing/purging, cutting, crying… they never bought me happiness- misery, desperation, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, but never anything like happiness. Perfection isn't about being thin… perfection is unattainable and unrealistic. If only that would stop me aiming for it. Sometimes I wonder if I will achieve this self-destruction that I am aiming for. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever experience recovery… and consequently self-acceptance. But, I do know it is possible… I have seen people who have got through an Eating Disorder, and I hope that one day I will find the strength to do so as well.

And I want to say thank you to all of the people who have helped me through this so far- my family, friends- whether real time or sf- thank you all. You have all played a huge part in helping me get to this point in my life and for that I can never thank you enough.
All my love, xxx

HOMEPAGE