I've come a long way since I wrote the 'my story' part of this web page, and finally I am able to say that I am in recovery. At the beginning of November last year I realised and accepted that my life needed to change, and that I wanted to let go of this beast that's been plaguing me for too long. Before then I had always felt that 'I want to want to get better'… but I didn't.
Anyway, along with this realisation came some decisions… decisions I needed to make to take care of myself. I left college for the year so that I could focus properly on recovery. That was the best decision I could have made and I plan to go back next year and finish my courses before going on to university.

I began by starting to try and settle down my eating… so many people had said to me in the past that eating is easy- you put it in your mouth, swallow and voila. And I had always told them they didn't understand and ignored it. And maybe they didn't understand… but they were still right. It is not about food. Eating is not the problem. It's how you feel about yourself that is. You convince yourself that you are going to become fat if you eat- this becomes the central preoccupation and every other issues is buried 6 foot under to avoid having to deal. So, along with eating came the emotions that I had been burying… I took baby steps- started with a number of calories that I felt I could deal with without purging and then went from there- increasing by small amounts (say 50 calories at a time) until now. At the moment I am at an almost healthy calorie intake and have stopped counting so obsessively. I found that a meal plan helped me a great deal- plan when and what you are going to eat for the next day and then stick to it. However, it would probably help if you had somebody to help you with this- it's all too easy to eat a low calorie diet and convince yourself that you are in recovery, while actually you are still starving yourself.

It was hard. Very very hard. I felt awful after eating what I saw as a ridiculously high number of calories… so many times I desperately wanted to purge- at times I slipped and I did- most of the time I tried to distract myself until the feeling passed- called somebody, went for a walk etc. Then came the hard bit- the feelings started hitting me… everything I had covered over with this obsession with food started to come back and I had to deal with it- in a healthy way. This is where therapy came to be a great help. I tried to work out why I was feeling what I was feeling and talk it through… and I also realised that I needed to let some things go- they'd haunted me for too long and they were in the past. Of course, that's easier said than done, especially if you have never let go of anything, however small! Letting go comes with the acceptance that what happened happened. Acceptance that it is in the past and is over now, and that there is nothing you can do to change it… and it takes time to let go… and it hurts… and it's not easy… but it is essential.

And so the last 3 months have passed by in a whirl of emotion- but I've hung in there. I've picked myself up after a slip. I've stopped mid binge and not purged. I've talked about my feelings… talked and talked until I couldn't talk anymore. I've written things to sort them out in my head. I've cried, I've hurt, I still hurt… but it does get easier. I look back at the last 3 years and feel so sad at how much of my life I have wasted… this will have taken away my teenage years from me- while other people were out having fun I was sticking my fingers down my throat. While other people were out having fun I was drinking myself unconscious… and I have hurt people other than myself with my behaviour which at times was incredibly selfish. But I don't blame myself anymore. I was hurting and reacting in the only way I knew how. I never intentionally hurt anyone. And I can learn from what has happened- my experiences with anorexia, bulimia and depression have made me a stronger person.

I'm far from recovered. But I'm working towards it and I'm proud of myself for that. Not a day has gone by in the last 3 months when I haven't wanted to return to the ed behaviours… but I've fought it and so far I am winning. And slowly that way of life is becoming less and less appealing to return to. Life's too short to waste with your head down the toilet or a blade in your arm. Life is worth living… but you have to go out there and live it.
And everyone can recover. Nobody is so different from anyone else that they 'need' their eating disorder. Nobody is so different that they deserve it.

I know I am getting stronger. I've begun to see that I can tell people how I feel rather than showing them. I can tell people that I hurt rather than showing them with my body. And you know what? It's rather more effective… there are people there for me if I will let them in. So, each day I continue to make my baby steps… pick myself up after I slip… and I know that I will get there one day. I'm not getting to let my life be ruled by weight and food. I'm not going to base my self-worth on the number on the scales. And you know why? Because I am worth more than that. People love me for who I am, not for how much I weigh. To be honest, all I did with the eating disorder was shut my friends out- there I was convincing myself that nobody cared, while at the same time making it impossible for them.

And while I still hurt… I still cry… I still slip- I have hope and determination. I'm going to win, and I don't doubt that for one minute. No matter how long it takes. No matter how much it hurts, I'm going to beat this.
There's one person I have to thank specifically for these last few months… honey, without you I wouldn't have got this far. Nightly phone conversations where I learnt more about myself than I thought possible… you picked me up when I fell… yelled at my crap and didn't let me ever wallow in self pity… talked through my fears- and for that I thank you eternally. Keep on fighting. xxx

HOMEPAGE