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"I set myself a challenge… to first write a letter to myself explaining how I feel about me. Then I had to read that first letter from an outside point of view and write a response. The second part was really hard to do… I really had to pretend that somebody else had written the first piece- saying nice things about myself is of course, an alien concept to me…" --Cait
This is a letter written by a friend of mine who took on the same challenge:
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Katy,
I hate you. You are a pathetic little attention seeking wreck. You're not anorexic, you don't have a problem-you are too fat for any of that. You cant even control your weight, let alone your life. Think of the starving children in Africa, they would kill for what you have. You are so selfish, you've driven your parents half insane worrying about you-they've always tried their best but you wont stop hurting them. That is evil and horrid. You treat your friends like shit, calling them up just because you feel depressed or panicky-what right do you have to feel like that anyway? Your life is perfect-you had a great family, loyal friends, intelligence (though I'm beginning to doubt that, you stupid cow), good grades, health-you've screwed up everyone who loves you, had a nervous breakdown in your exams (and what for? No reason, you just cant cope) and you've probably knocked years off your life (just as well, i don't want you hanging round here any longer than you have to). This is your fault. Its all you're own doing bitch. You could stop any minute I bet-but no. You don't deserve to live, you don't deserve the huge amount of space you take up, the time and energy wasted on you, the air you breath. I wish you were dead bitch. I hate you so much
Katy
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Dear Katy
Honey, this is not your fault. You are sick-a million different things gave you depression and none of them were your fault, especially the bullying. Having girls meant to be your best friends betray you, laugh at you, being ripped apart by people you loved and trusted, grew up with...that was going to hurt, anyone however strong. They were the ones with the problem, not you. They tried to stamp out your beautiful individuality and when they couldn't they set out to destroy you. They made you feel that everything that mattered to you was worthless, stupid...so it is no wonder that you kept it inside, didn't tell anyone what they were doing. You couldn't bear to tell anyone because you thought they would laugh at you too, say you were just being melodramatic and dismiss your pain. So you turned to other coping mechanisms. You were subconsciously driven to starving and cutting yourself-anything to take your mind off the unbearable pain, anything to get you through the day. And also a desperate attempt to show the world the agony you couldn't voice...you were screaming out with your body for love, reassurance, help, peace...Your mind and body couldn't cope with the inner torment so they made you blank and oblivious to it while at the same time trying to get you help and care by making you appear vulnerable and weak.
Can you see now that it is not your fault? You are not selfish sweetheart, you are not bad, or worthless, and you are not a bitch. You are hurting, in pain, desperate-but instead of crying it out to a sympathetic ear and getting help you could only cry silent tears of blood.
Ill tell you what will change now: I am setting you free, giving you your voice back. I tell you you can talk to people, tell them how you feel, laugh, cry...it'll be hard, these habits are so deeply ingrained after so long...but we can do it with a lot of love, care, tears and support. There is a new life waiting for you honey, a life free of guilt and obsession, calorie counting, blood, pain...and all you have to do is reach out to people, open up your heart to them and allow your wound to heal instead of questioning their right to exist and trying to cover them up. Verbalise what you cry with your arms and stomach, trust people and your right to cry.
I realise now that I was just trying to run away from you...and i cant do that, because you cannot run away from yourself. You cannot fighting yourself because you will always lose. So from now on I promise to stop running, stop fighting, accept you and make peace with you. Maybe even one day i will say I love you Katy. We're getting there, aren't we?
Katy
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