It wasn't so much about weight when I was at my sickest. I used my weight as a tool, as a way to speak.. I used my weight to communicate. I tried to make myself invisible, so that they could see me. I tried to become so sick that I had to go inpatient, so that they could see that I was in pain. I tried to show them that behind the "perfect face, the clean room, the wonderful grades, the nice and helpful girl" a lot of tears and pain were hidden. I wanted them to see that I was also the depressed girl that was afraid of the future, afraid of living, afraid of dying, afraid of losing my dear ones, afraid of being me..

I wanted to feel special, I wanted someone to talk to me, not about me and all the wonderful things I do. I wanted someone to care about me, not all the things I did. I wanted to be so sick that I didn't have to worry and take care of everything, I wanted someone to take care of me and make me feel special. I wanted to be the child I never was…

But I wasn't aware of everything that comes with an ed.. I never expected my hair to fall out, my energy to disappear. I didn't expect to wake up on the floor after passing out. The sleepless nights, the endless doctor appointments, the fading hope, the blue skin, the broken teeth, the broken dreams, the guilt, the sad parents, the lies, the lost friends, the lost time, all the infections, the frustration, the panic, the fading colors.. I didn't expect the high price I had to pay…

And worst of all.. Even at my sickest they didn't see me.. They just saw my weight. And the cure they suggested was to eat… How could food heal my broken heart?

What healed my broken heart was the love I found when I knocked on my heart. When I dared to believe that it was possible to love myself. When I dared to believe that it's okay to like and love yourself. That love healed my broken heart. There will always be scars on it, there will always be this little desire inside of me that longs to be taken care of. I will always have this dream to be a little child without worries, a child that can just curl up on her mothers lap.. It's not possible for me to go back to become a child, but I can always carry that child within and nurture her as much as I can. I've promised her that I will take care of her and never let anyone hurt her..

I let the mask fall and I let the tears out. With my voice and with my tears I let people see that I'm not okay. I hurt.. I stop using the weight as a communication-tool.. I let people see the real me.. But most important I started seeing myself.. I became aware of my feelings and my needs and I did something about them. And when I did see myself, I started to notice that I didn't need other to see me that much. As long as I saw myself, it was okay. I started reaching out for people, for help. I dared to let people help me, I dared to let them love me, I dared to let them see me and see my pain…

An ed doesn't make you special. And ed makes you sick.. The ed fools you to believe that it's your unique identity… When you are under the control of the ed, people don't see you. They see the sick ed.. They see the sick thoughts, the sick behaviours, the lies. And they react with anger, for how can they love something that hurts you.. And you notice this anger and believes people hate you, because you feel that you and the ed are one… You are not.. You are not the ed.. And when you dare to let the ed go, you start to see this.. You get to know this unique you that's been hiding under the mask.

And little by little you learn that you are special, unique, loved and needed. You learn to accept all your sides, good and bads. And you learn to appreciate the talents you have, instead of complaining about the ones you don't have..

Most importantly you learn to live, in colors.. Every day becomes a miracle, even the bad ones.. Every day becomes a new chance to be you, to shine your own light. Every day becomes a chance to be real, to be who you were meant to be.

I wondered what I would have left if I let go of the ed. I thought I would have nothing.. How wrong I was.. What I got instead was time, energy, light in my eyes, smiles, colors everywhere, new hope, love, truth, dreams and a life without all the worries, guilt and hopelessness.…

I am no longer afraid of dying.. I am afraid of having one day pass away without me living it, just existing through it..

I know I am loved, because I love me.
I know I am seen, because I see me.
I know I am taken care of, because I take care of me.
I know I am needed, because there is only one of me in this world...