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I thought that since I have stressed that Eating Disorders are about feelings not food, that I should try and write a page about this. Again, this is written from personal experience and research that I have done on ed's over the years. Please remember that everyone is different. Nobody will feel exactly the same as another ed sufferer, and nobody can be treated in exactly the same way.
Many sufferers dislike or even hate themselves. They often believe that they are 'horrible' and that they do not deserve the good things in life- hence punishing themselves with their Eating Disorder. They may believe that they deserve to hurt… and this is why I believe that sufferers can not be punished or forced into recovery. By punishing somebody who feels this way you are helping to reaffirm their belief that they are bad. They punish themselves daily, they don't need others doing it too… it's their learned way of dealing with their emotions, and they need love and support, not punishment. I know it's hard watching somebody do such things to themselves, and I wish I could tell everyone exactly how to help a sufferer. But, the reality is that they have to help themselves… you can only support them if they will accept it.
However… it is true that there is a major difference between can't and won't… if you as a sufferer are saying that you can't recover, what you really mean is that you won't. Because, in order to recover you have to want it…
That is where I have been stuck for a long time- stuck in behaviours that I know are damaging and even killing me… but not wanting to change. I do have reasons for this- I won't go into them because I know that all sufferers will have their own different (although probably equally irrational!) reasons. Something that I realised today is that although I don't want to do it for myself, I do want to do it for other people… I know that I have people who love me and who worry about me, and although I often feel totally alone I know that this is just my own insecurities (even if it doesn't feel that way at the time).
I have heard the pain in peoples voices as they beg me to eat something… I only ever set out to hurt myself- hurting other people in the process was something I really tried to avoid… but, if people care about you then they are going to be hurt by what you are doing to yourself. If they love you they aren't going to understand how you can hate yourself so much that you are prepared to hurt yourself in such a way. And I've realised that every time I cut into my arm, or restrict, or binge or purge, or engage in any other self-destructive behaviours, I am not only hurting myself… but I'm also cutting into the hearts of everyone around me who loves me. And in wanting to recover for them, maybe I can soon begin to want to recover for myself…
This is just a thought that I had today that I wanted to share with you… I know that none of this is easy… nobody ever said it was going to be- but I also know that recovery is possible. Reach out to those who care about you and ask for help. They can't wave a magic wand… but, they can be there for you, hug you when you are hurting, and help pick you up when you fall. They can encourage, and even help you to keep on the path of recovery if you will let them…
And I stress again the importance of working on the issues that caused your ed. There may be one obvious one, or there may be several that you need to search for- either way they need to be resolved so that you don't need to use your eating disorder as a 'coping mechanism'. The key to recovered is working on the emotional issues alongside the eating issues so that both can move forward together.
And if you believe that you are hateful answer these questions… what makes you any different to anyone else on this earth? And look at the people who love you, if you really are that bad then why do they care? You are beautiful and you are special, and you deserve to live… an eating disorder is not a way of life, it's a way of death.
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